The last few weeks have been a blur. We celebrated my sweet C’s first birthday mid July. Everyone kept asking if time had flown by, and I can’t say it did. It felt right. Of course she’s a year old! She’s changed so much from the tiny, mewling infant we brought home from the hospital. She can play games with us, laugh, throw out some fake tears, and WALK. It’s incredible.
Having #2 has never been far from mind. From the second C was born we have known we wanted another. Since it took us 3 years and many failed treatments to then accidentally get pregnant with her, I was nervous about how it would go. To be frank, during her first year we didn’t have much sex. My cycle didn’t return until she was 10 months old, and breastfeeding made sex uncomfortable for me (dirty little secret, this is common! I thought I was broken. Nope!). So just before she turned one we were just getting back into it.
In July I bought some OPKs but missed my surge since I wasn’t really doing them regularly and that was ok. I knew we had kinda, maybe, sorta hit my fertile time. That was our loose definition of “not really trying, but kinda maybe sorta we are thinking about it”. I didn’t feel the need to BE pregnant again so soon. I just knew that with our unpredictable track record, I’d rather not waste months without any chance at all. So, we weren’t in an urgent rush, but I can’t say we weren’t trying.
Yes all of this lead up is to say that I got pregnant the first time we kinda, sorta, maybe tried. We were floored. Shocked. Put into a stupor. Delighted! Terrified! All of it. I had taken a test on a whim since I thought maybe my period was 2 days late, but I wasn’t sure and I just wanted to stop thinking “hmm, where is it? Maybe I’m pregnant? No way!”. When two lines came up I honestly didn’t even get excited because I just figured there was no way. I took like 3 more tests and a FRER before I realized “HOLY SHIT this is it!”. Having 2 babies twenty months apart definitely scared me. How would we afford this? How would we fit ANOTHER nursery into our house? How will C know what is happening since she’s still so little? But then there was the side of me that thought: F*cking finally I get to be fertile! No tears, no stress, no endless charting and timing sex. Just plain old unprotected sex, ONCE. It was blissful. I was going to have a baby! Without really trying! Awesome!
Alas. It was not to be. I started bleeding, cramping and I knew it was over at the first spot of blood. I had a tiny bit of hope when it slowed down the next day, but the bloated, tight, feeling in my uterus did not feel pregnant to me. It felt like PMS. It was confirmed at the doctor last week. I should have been almost 8 weeks pregnant, instead a sad, empty, 5 week sac showed up on the ultrasound. I knew it was coming, but seeing the empty sac was still really hard. My sweet doctor handed me a tissue as she confirmed it was a miscarriage. I’ve lost another one. She went on to say that chances were good I’d have a healthy pregnancy, just like after my last miscarriage. I wanted to blurt out that that healthy pregnancy took YEARS to happen after my first miscarriage.
It just feels so unfair. I know you all know this feeling better than anyone else, that feeling that This Shit Is Not Fair. Why do some women get to see two lines and that means they get a baby? Why can’t that be me? I know, compared to SO many out there, I have a pretty happy story. I have a wonderful daughter, I appreciate her every single damn day. I know snuggling her daily will help me heal from this that much faster. I am lucky. But I am also sad. I feel duped into thinking that I could have gotten just even MORE lucky. And then it just came crashing down.
You guys. I felt so invincible, so fertile, I’d already bought my C a “I’m a big sister” t-shirt. I knew it was a risky move, but I chose to be confidant about it. I just printed the return label to send it back and am kicking myself for being so silly. I just wanted so much to believe that I might just get to be a lucky, fertile lady this time. I just wanted to believe that my first miscarriage was a fluke and that this pregnancy would prove that. I just wanted to be able to announce a pregnancy to our families that was filled with a shocked joy, not a hesitant “we’ll see how it goes”.
We’ll be ok. I know this. My awesome kiddo at home has already done wonders to soother my soul. I almost feel like she could tell I was sad because she has been giving me some extra sweet snuggles. Normally she is more “put me down put me down” and this weekend she spent some time just sitting with her head on my chest. I’ll treasure that tenderness from her forever. So while I am sad, I am also lucky to be a mama. So very lucky to be THIS girl’s mama. I hope I never forget that.