Week 17

I had lunch with a good friend this past Friday.  She’s one of my three college roommates and she had her baby boy in October.  I wrote about the horrendous experience I had at her baby shower here.  Maybe some of you remember it, but I had steeled myself for the weekend with my three roomies, two of whom I knew were pregnant.  And the 3rd one, who wasn’t supposed to even be TTC for another year, showed up newly pregnant and I swirled into a pit of despair by the end of the weekend.

Of course now, being 17 weeks pregnant myself, I felt much better about sitting down with Katie and her almost 4 month old.  Katie was the one who knew the least about my issues, as far as I knew.  I had a feeling maybe one of the other girls had tipped her off that something was up, but we never talked about it directly.  However at lunch, she brought it up.  She just said she was really sorry it had been so hard for me, and that she’s sorry she never brought it up before but that she wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about it.  I told her it was okay (because it is) and that while I normally felt comfortable discussing what was going on with us, it could be hard at certain times.  And that’s when I brought up the weekend of her baby shower.  I told her pretty frankly that that had been an extremely difficult weekend, mostly because I hadn’t expected Jenny to show up pregnant and how it had thrown me into a tough place to be the only non-pregnant girl at the table.  I tried to explain a bit about how I worked really hard to deal with my less-attractive emotions, and that while I was struggling I always tried to separate out my pain from my happiness for my friend. But that being caught off guard meant I didn’t have time to do that before being plunged into 24 straight hours of pregnancy talk.  She looked pained for me.  She also mentioned she had no idea how upset I was and I told her it took all my energy to fake my way through that.

Of course this entire conversation was really only possible because I’m currently pregnant.  But I’m still grateful for it.  I’m glad she acknowledged how hard it was for us to get here.

While I spent several months dealing with the pain of three of my closest friends having babies so close together, I’m now one of them.  It’s a still a bit disorienting that I changed teams just like that.  I re-read my post from September that I linked to above, and it brought me to tears.  That pain was real.  I didn’t think it was possible to feel more grateful for when I am today, but now I do.  And I’m happy I have my friends to share it with.