Still Here

Just a note to say I’m still here and still pregnant.  I’ll be 9 weeks tomorrow, which feels like SO far along, yet I know I’m still so far from feeling really “safe”.  I have felt massively more positive since seeing the heartbeat at our first ultrasound, but of course then I keep reading stories about people who found no heartbeat at their second ultrasound, so I know it can happen.  For now, I’m trying to embrace that I’m the most pregnant that I’ve ever been.  If this all ends tomorrow, I’ll be devastated, but I don’t think I’d be any less devastated if I didn’t let myself get excited right now.  So, I’m embracing what I have today, and trying to let hope lead me.  I still find myself qualifying things with “well, if this works out, xyz” but I’m trying to speak in more definitive terms.  Other women get pregnant and don’t spend the first 12 weeks (or more) on the edge of terror.  They just assume it will result in a baby. I’m trying to be more like those women.  

I’ve told most of my friends, since almost all of them knew about our struggles, and they are thrilled.  It’s been awkward at times because I’m not ready for a big “OMG CONGRATS” type of situation.  My one friend keeps telling me she’s buying stuff for the baby and I always cringe.  I know it comes from a good place, but I just keep telling her to keep it because I am not at a place where I’m ready for that.  I can’t imagine how destroyed I’d be if I had baby stuff in my apartment when it all went south.

Physically, I’ve been feeling really good, I feel lucky.  I’ve had some waves of nausea, but nothing that persists for too long.  My boobs are incredibly sore, and have been since about a week after ovulation.  They’ve also grown a little, which being a B cup is a welcome change.  Except my bras don’t fit right which is annoying, but I can live with that for a bit. Other than that I’m mostly massively tired.  I can sleep and sleep and sleep.  I still feel lucky though because I am able to get through my days pretty easily, it’s just after about 8pm that things go downhill.  Every now and then I wonder if it’s a bad sign that I’m not puking endlessly, but the few waves of nausea I have experienced do not exactly leave me begging for more of it.  It’s a weird balance of liking the sickness while also wanting it to go away quickly.

Our next ultrasound is on the 16th and I’m both excited and starting to get terrified.  I’ll probably update again after that.  In the meantime, I’m still reading and cheering and crying for you all.  Lots of love from DC to all of you.