Um, what just happened…

I am freaking out.  You guys, I got a super strong positive on two different HPTs this morning.  One on a internet strip/wondfo type deal and one with a First Response. Obviously, this is good news, however I’m convinced this is a fluke.

I wasn’t even planning on testing, because my cycle was off last month so the fact that I was a day or two late had barely crossed my mind.  I just thought “well, I’ll just take a test so that I know it’s negative and can continue to carry around my tampons”.  I actually got up super late so I was rushing around this morning and almost didn’t do it, because I barely had time.  But, it wasn’t going to be positive, it’s never positive, so I just dunked in the test real quick and went about brushing my teeth and running around because I was late.  When it popped up positive my first thought was “Uhh, that’s a mistake for sure.  I hate faulty tests, what an asshole”.  I take a quick shower and my mind starts spinning.  I can’t tell my husband because I am so sure the test is wrong.  I even hid it in my bathrobe to examine obsessively later. Then I remember I have some FRERs (aka: expensive tests) under the sink that I was saving for our IVF cycle.  So after my shower, I squeeze out some more pee and dunk in a FRER.  It came up positive immediately.  Two beautiful dark lines.  I freaked out. I threw all my romantic plans out the window for how to tell my husband, ran in the bedroom, threw on the light and shoved the test in his face.  He was all “I thought you weren’t testing anymore?” and I’m running around pulling on my work clothes and jabbering away about what bullshit this is, all while he’s staring at the test a bit speechless. He actually said straight faced “well, we are doing IVF pregnant or not”.  He’s hilarious, that one.  This was so not the scene I had in my head as to how this would go down…neither of us could even get that excited because we were so shocked and I was rambling about what bullshit this was and listing all the unsafe for pregnancy shit I’d been doing.  We’ve had a positive before and it came crashing down, so I think until we see this little blob in there, it won’t seem real.

I’m ahead of myself though.  We need to back up as to why this caught me so off guard.  TTC for 2.5 years and a positive test sends me reeling into denial and almost anger, what is wrong with me?

Let me walk you through the last month of my life.  It has been all IVF prep, all the time.  The previous cycle was 45 days long.  I took about 28374 HPTs and all were negative.  It was my first unmedicated cycle after several months of clomid, so I was expecting it to be a little unpredictable, but not 45 days long unpredictable.  When my period did show up, on October 6th, it was full of rage.  Like, one of the heaviest, most painful, and in general sucky periods ever.  I was changing ultra tampons (fist bump to OB, love the ultras) once an hour.  It.was.horrendous.   On October 9th, we had our consult with our new RE/clinic.  I loved it right away and was determined to ditch our old clinic.  He ordered the SHG for me and some repeat blood work and another SA for my husband and some blood work for him too.  I wrote about my SHG here, I had that on Oct 15th.  They found a polyp that needed to be removed.  The hysteroscopy was scheduled for Oct 23rd.  I got a positive OPK on Oct 21st.  We had sex once on the 21st, the day before I ovulated.  Why have sex when I have a polyp, I’m having a procedure right after to have it removed, and the doctor confirmed we only had a 1-2% chance of conceiving on our own after ALL those failed IUIs?!  I was fine with giving it one shot, but honestly, I had mentally packed away any hope of us doing this on our own.  Our one conception, over two years ago, had to be the miracle one. We’d already used our natural miracle, there was no way it was happening again.

So, I have the in-office hysteroscopy on CD 18, one day after ovulation.   I meant to write about it, but it was pretty much terrible.  They tried to remove the polyp, but the location of it was too weird so it was causing me a lot of pain so they stopped the procedure.  They left it there, and said I’d need to schedule another one where they’d give me general anesthesia and knock me out.  It’d be a simple procedure, but I need to be asleep for it, but still outpatient and super easy. What I didn’t realize is that they pump your uterus full of saline for the hysteroscopy procedure too, like the SHG.  So before O, I had a uterus pumped with saline, and right after O once again.  Because of this I thought there was NO WAY my lining would be ripe for implantation.  So the rest of the month, I acted like there was no way I was pregnant.  I’ve been drinking coffee, drinking wine (omg, so much wine), eating whatever I want.  I was in my last hurrah mode, before locking down all booze and caffeine for IVF.  We went the IVF class at our clinic, learned about the process and how to do injections. Just this week, I changed my FSA deductions to be the max so we could move forward with IVF in January.  Since we are 100% out of pocket, and this should cost us close to $20k, it made sense to try to use the $5,000 that we could get tax free.  This would save us about $1800 in tax money and at this point every little bit helps.

Sorry, this is really rambling, but my mind is all over the place.  So why am I pissed? Over the last few weeks I spent a day at winery, I had an xray at the dentist, I’ve been drinking WAY more than normal, and my uterus was violated TWICE with bags of saline and cameras and this is the month it works?!  We barely even tried!  Which is bullshit.  We have spent years trying SO SO hard for this.  And now, when everything is wrong, THIS is the month I get a positive?  Really nature?  That is effed up. It really just shows how little control we have over this process, which is both freeing and terrifying, all at the same time.  It makes me frustrated for all the women out there contorting themselves into knots hoping to get the *just right* position or health status that will allow them to conceive.  And then here I come with my BS “we barely tried” story.  I want to punch myself in the face, honestly.  I hope plenty of you are giving me massive eye rolls right now, because if I was reading this, that’s what I’d do.

So now what?  I guess I try to get a blood test and see where we stand with this thing.  I don’t even know what doctor to call.  I guess my ob/gyn who I haven’t seen in a year?  Because I hadn’t officially started IVF, I’m not really a patient at my new clinic, and it’s been almost 3 months since I went to my old clinic.  I’m in a doctor’s no mans land.

I guess I see this still as just one big step forward, but not really big enough to declare I’m pregnant.  Not yet.  I just have a positive HPT.  Lots of people get those and do not get babies in 9 months.  So, one step at a time.  The first hurdle is cleared, which is great. Let’s hope the path keeps leading where I so desperately want it to.

17 thoughts on “Um, what just happened…

  1. Wow! I have not read your blog in a few weeks, and am so excited that today is the day I chose to read. So amazing and so excited for you! I am in the same boat as people saying when you aren’t trying it happens 🙂 Prayers to you as you receive the results from your blood work!

  2. Wow, it really is crazy that it worked given all that! Try not to worry or feel guilty about the wine etc., non-infertiles do these things all the time before they know they’re pregnant and it seems to work out pretty much fine for them :). Fingers crossed for good bloodwork! If I were you I’d probably go to the RE for the bloodwork. If it were me, I’d want to go there for all the upcoming stuff rather than a regular OBGYN. For example, they’d probably do an ultrasound sooner than a regular OBGYN, plus you don’t have to see all the happy ‘normal’ pregnant women early on.

    • This is good advice. I think I’ll call my clinic and convince them to see me. I keep thinking that they only do all that blood work for you because you are paying gobs of money, which I haven’t done yet. But silly me, I’ve now crossed over into “covered by insurance territory”. And yes, the wine, it should be ok, haha. Most fertile people wouldn’t have even tested yet…

    • Conflicted for sure! I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it because everything seems to w pointing towards “nope, not this time”. Thanks for the happy thoughts.

  3. The entire time I was reading your post, I was thinking to myself, “Hmmmm maybe there is something to this whole “just relax” bit.” Now I want to punch myself in the face.

    Anyhoo, congratulations! I hope that everything continues to go well.

    • God I hope I never let that phrase escape my lips. And no, I don’t really think it had anything to do with relaxing, don’t worry. Preparing for IVF and having invasive procedures is for sure not a good way to relax. But maybe all that wine helped?!

  4. Hey that’s great news! But I also kept nodding my head while reading your post. Yup I would be annoyed too with all the arrangements you have done and all the things you did this cycle. It does not make sense whatsoever but the most important thing is you are pregnant right now! BTW, did they bump up FSA to $5000 again? I thought it has been $2500 since 2013. Anyhow, I hope that you can start to enjoy your pregnancy after the initial shock and I’m hoping for wonderful beta number.

    • I know, I feel silly for being annoyed at the one thing I’ve been dying to have. But I mean, I just can’t believe it. I’m going to be taking like 5 tests a day for the next few days just to see.

      The FSA limit is $2500 per person, so both my husband and I will have it taken out for a total of $5,000. Though now I don’t know if it’s a good idea, though I’m sure we could still probably use it…I think?

      • If your open enrollment period has not closed I would maybe bump it down to the $2500, remember for an FSA if you don’t use it you lose it. Maybe just wait and see what your results end up being and seeing how much $ you will need for delivery, ultra sounds, and what exactly your insurance covers for a pregnancy, you could use that $5,000 to cover what you will pay OOP(out of pocket). Also you are able to use FSA towards just about anything medically including breast pumps if you plan to go that route.

  5. Holy Balls! If somebody had told you this would happen beforehand you wouldn’t have believed it! I love the drama–better than a soap opera! CONGRATS! I’ve been stalking thinking “Dammit Lydia, where the hell are you?!” And now you are back with a “bang”–love it. Please, please, keep us posted, like, no more disappearing for a month! XO

    • You are so sweet! I kept writing posts in my head, but just not getting them down. But this morning no work was getting done anyhow, so I just spewed all that out up there, haha. This story only gets better if this thing sticks around, so here’s hoping it does. I’ll update once I get my beta!

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