If you spend any time reading infertility blogs (and if you are reading this, I will assume you do) you know that this is a much covered topic. That is, we’ve all dealt with having friends get knocked up while we’re fighting mightily to get there. It’s just part of being at the stage of life we’re all in, the insane wedding summers of our 20s have morphed into the baby bearing summers of our 30s.
I’ve had plenty of babies born in my circle of friends during my 2.5 year struggle. So far the worst announcements have been the FIVE women who were all due around the same time as the pregnancy I lost. Including two who had matching due dates as mine. That was awful. But since those announcements have come and gone, I’ve been pretty lucky. Yes, I currently have friends who are pregnant, they are 2 of my 3 college roomies. I wish I was pregnant at the same time too. I’m definitely jealous that I am not. But, while these pregnancies have their challenges for me, these women aren’t in my daily life, so it’s easier to deal with my complicated emotions.
My main friend group here in DC has been blissfully pregnancy free. One friend had both her kids before I was even married and is done, several of the women are single or with boyfriends, and of the married ladies none are currently TTC. All that will change very soon. In just a few weeks I am headed to one of their weddings and since she is 35 and has been ready to have kids for awhile, and well, we all know where this is headed. I feel awful about the dread I’m experiencing about her getting knocked up this fall. Of course I don’t WANT her to have problems, not at all, not even a little. I just want to get pregnant first. And that is looking less and less likely. All year as they’ve planned their wedding I felt sure (once again) that I’d be pregnant at the wedding so it hadn’t really occurred to me that she might beat me. Until recently. And now I’m consumed with dread. I see her and her almost-husband a lot. Right now when I go out with my friends here in DC it’s a night off from IF and cycling and failure and I just get to have fun. If I want to talk about things, they listen. But usually I just have a good time and forget about my empty ute for a bit. Once she’s pregnant however, these nights of awesome will be over run with pregnancy talk. I think it goes without saying that will be so hard. My friends are my lifeline to normalcy at this point and with a pregnancy that normalcy will be that much harder for me to enjoy.
At the same time I feel like such a shitty friend that I’m even thinking this. I’ve thought about talking to her about it. Just letting her know that when she has news to share, I’d prefer not to have to react in person. I think she’d understand. But I just wish I didn’t even have to ask.
The other kicker is my super fertile sister has already told me they are going to start trying for a 2nd baby next year. I ADORE my nieces and nephews, and thankfully they were all born before I was struggling, but if she gets a 2nd baby before I’ve gotten my first I might lose my shit. She got pregnant last time before she was even ready, she went off the pill thinking it might take a few months for her cycle to regulate and she was pregnant pretty much immediately. I try not to let this one overwhelm me too much, but it’s definitely lurking. I love my sister, I don’t want to feel these things. I want to feel nothing but joy to learn I’ll have a new niece or nephew. It’s just that right now I’m not sure I can feel that joy unless I’m pregnant too.
Fingers crossed this 6th mother effing IUI does the trick and all my worries are for naught. A girl can dream…