On Going Through the Motions

I started a new cycle bright and early Sunday morning.  I knew it was coming, I’d had the tell tale backache and light cramping for the last few days.  Add in a few negative HPTs and I was ready for it.  I had only the tiniest sliver of hope that our one month “off” would actually result in pregnancy.  If the IUIs aren’t working, with multiple big follicles, a trigger and washed and placed sperm, why would natural work?  And it didn’t.

Tomorrow morning I go in for my CD 3 baseline blood work and dildo cam exam. I am feeling really blah about this IUI, which will be our 5th.  I am starting to doubt whether doing a 5th and 6th IUI is worth it.  It’s what the doctor recommended, before moving to IVF, and they are a fraction of the price of IVF.  But still.  I think I’ve already started to gradually (very gradually) accept that IVF is most likely what’s in the cards for us.  I don’t really want that to be the case, of course, but I just have very little hope that either of these next two IUIs will work.  For each of my first 4 tries I had plenty of hope.  There was always some reason that THIS cycle was going to be better than the last.  But now, I just feel sort of blank.  Maybe this will get better as the cycle progresses?  I’m not sure.  My husband is really the only reason I’m doing the last two IUIs.  He wants to know we really did try everything before moving on to IVF.  And I agree with him, at least in my head.  It’s just my heart that needs some convincing.

I guess I should be thankful I’m feeling sort of even keeled about it all.  I wasn’t very upset to get my period, I handled my best friend’s pregnancy announcement without a single tear, and I haven’t been feeling my usual depression that I get for a day or two around this time.  And while I’m happy to not be in a funk or feeling depressed, I also don’t feel excited or hopeful. I really do just feel like I’m going through the motions this month.

Anyone have any tips to get myself psyched up for this cycle?  Feeling so blah about the possibility of getting pregnant just doesn’t feel right to me. I kinda miss that pesky little thing called hope…

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