Our road to infertility, part 4

(Click here to read the rest of the riveting saga: Part 1Part 2Part 3)

I had no idea this “background update” would take up 4 posts!  I guess it’s a good thing I started a blog since clearly I have things to write and say and feel.  Or something.  Anyhow, if you’re still reading this multi-part series, I commend you.

Where were we?  Ah yes, I got pregnant, miscarried and was now surround by pregnant bellies due the same time as me.   In the early spring of 2012 I had a TTC consult with my OBGYN.  Since I hadn’t really talked to a doctor about my miscarriage (they just did blood test to ensure my betas went to zero) and we were feeling pretty frustrated, we decided to go talk to him.  Technically, we’d been trying for a year at this point.  However, since we’d had one fleeting pregnancy we were not considered infertile yet.  I knew this, but I think my husband needed to hear it from a doctor.  His advice was pretty much what I thought it would be which was to keep trying and come back in 6 months if we didn’t have a pregnancy.  He felt certain that summer we’d conceive.

I think we all know how that summer went.  The time was filled with baby showers, then the babies being born, then visiting the new moms on maternity leave and bringing freezer meals.  I poured my angst into lasagnas.  (As an aside- I should have totally made that my blog name: angst filled lasagnas.  Next time!) I did my best to be happy for my friends, while also not beating myself up for being sad for me.  Because that was very much my reality, I was so happy for them, but I was also just so very sad for me.  I stumbled on, thinking that my next pregnancy was just around the corner and that it would cure all the pain I was feeling.  Month after month ticked by.  While it felt like we’d been trying forever, I knew that our one brief conception kept us safe from the infertile label.  It was not a label I wanted, of course, and as long as technically we were free from it, I felt that we could do this on our own.  That we could repeat the mysterious combination of things that had occurred the previous summer and this time, we’d get a pregnancy that went to term.

As we moved through the fall the stress of failing was rapidly wearing me down.  I knew we needed to talk to my OB/GYN again and I kept hoping, cycle after cycle, that I wouldn’t have to make that appointment with him.  My annual exam came up and so I decided to tack my fertility issues onto that visit.  At that point I knew we were officially infertile since it’d been not only over a year since my miscarriage, but from when we started trying in earnest again.  He looked over my charts and declared my cycle very normal looking.  He was happy I’d been charting and suggested OPKs, which we were already using.  He then confirmed what I already knew, we met the definition of infertile.  Which meant he’d order testing for us, and HSG for me and an SA for my husband.  He also did some blood work on me and a genetics panel.  He told me to schedule the HSG and then do our best to time sex perfectly for the next three months after the HSG since pregnancy rates are higher right after the procedure.  He then said that if I wasn’t pregnant by March (this was in October) to come back and talk to him again.

My husband’s SA came back with lots of totally normal, healthy looking sperm.  My HSG was also normal, though it took a little for the left tube to clear, which I of course took to mean that it had some sort of build up that had now been removed.  I was looking forward to my super highway uterine tubes speeding things up. I also knew there was no way we’d wait 6 months before talking to another doctor about what was going on.  OBGYNs can steer you the right way and I’m sure they help some people, but to get the right help, I really do think you need to see a doctor who specializes in getting women pregnant, not a doctor whose main job is pap smears and guiding you through pregnancy.

While I’d been dreading the label of infertile, I have to admit that finally getting looked at and checked out by a doctor helped silence the little voice in my head that kept saying “what if something is wrong and you just don’t know it?”.  So finding out that there was nothing glaring  (like, oh hey you don’t have a uterus or your husband is missing sperm) and wrong gave me a small bump of hope that we could do this on our own.  On the other hand, being unexplained meant there was no smoking gun to focus on, which can feel sort of maddening, even though I don’t really want known issues to fix.

Onward we went through the fall of 2012, with no results.  I had been so sure in January of 2012 that there was NO WAY I wouldn’t be at least pregnant by the end of the year.  And here it was, staring me in the face, showing me how wrong I was to take comfort in that fact.  It was a rough end to the year for sure.  We met with our RE for the first time in January of 2013.  We were officially seeking medical help for our infertility.

2 thoughts on “Our road to infertility, part 4

  1. It must have been just so hard for you to deal with all your pg friends…let alone cook for them!
    Don’t worry about the long blog…its far shorter than mine! Once I started I couldn’t stop until I’d got it all out, which I guess is the point of it all. Every time I blog I try to do a short pithy one but it always comes out a ramble!!

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